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Old-School Aphrodisiac

Drop In, Tune Up, Turn On

By Doug Brauner

The memory is clear. It was the summer of 1970, a classically muggy day in a nondescript suburb north of New York City. It happened in the backyard of the house I called home for my entire childhood. It was then I learned what women really wanted, all at the ripe, old age of 7.
    My dad Olie was an electrical engineer by trade and had a passion for anything mechanical. A half-dozen or so of his work buddies shared the same qualities, and they would regularly gather in our driveway with their cars for a “Saturday tune-up party.” The rules were simple: Bring your tool boxes, appropriate tuneup parts and enough beer to make it a memorable guy-bonding experience.
    For hours, these men would set ignition timing, adjust distributor points and balance carburetors. They would consult service manuals for the proper specifications for each of their cars. And they would argue about methods of gaining the most performance from their rides. They were always successful at their task. And their hands always got wonderfully dirty.
    These parties seemed to have very little to do with the wives, and much more to do with boys and their cars. The women were relegated to the kitchen, where they enthusiastically drank coffee, ate cake and bragged about their children. But make no mistake about it: While most engineers aren’t typically fielding offers from Playgirl magazine, on Saturdays, these guys became studs. The thought of their guys working out in the driveway with head under hood was perhaps the best aphrodisiac to ever be invented.
    It was the happiest of times. Men were men, and women were turned on, including my mother. For if memory serves me correctly, it was one of the only times she seemed truly excited to be married to my dad.

Tech Is Not Sexy
So, what happened? Technology, that’s what did it. I am far less sexy than I was just 10 years ago, and it’s only partially due to my receding hairline and ever-expanding waist. Instead, it’s the lack of grease. If you were to take a look at my hands after 8 hours in the garage, you’d see a pretty clean set of hooks. Not too much dirt, primarily attributable to rubber gloves that have become ubiquitous in our industry, but mostly it’s just that we don’t “fix” stuff anymore.
    Mechanics have become diagnostic technicians, schematic diagram readers … heck, we even hold collaborative “staff” meetings to brainstorm how we will create a repair plan for a particular car. It’s all about computers and electronics, and, at least in the automotive world, all of this highbrow technical knowledge is just plain unattractive … just ask any woman.
    So, what’s a guy to do? For those cubicle-bound weekend warriors who are just itching to pop the hood on the family truckster, there is still hope. The reward? Maybe a better understanding of how your car works and what it needs, not to mention the hope that later in the evening your wife will confess that watching you toil in the garage fired her own spark plug.
    Here is a primer on how to approach a modern-day car.
1. Get some tools. Keep it basic. An inexpensive set of standard and metric wrenches and sockets are a must, and some screwdrivers. Cost? About $100. Remember, even great mechanics never overspend on tools. Plus, just holding onto a wrench is sexy.

2. Learn to pop the hood effortlessly. There is nothing hotter than watching a mechanic know exactly how to open the hood on a car. Conversely, there is nothing more emasculating than witnessing someone fumble for the hood latch. Practice makes perfect.

3. Learn where all the dipsticks are, what lubricants and fluids they represent, and the proper method of reading them. It’s all very simply explained in the owner’s manual. Ten minutes of reading here will pay off big time when you announce to the spouse with absolute confidence that checking the transmission fluid requires a much different technique than checking the engine oil.

4. Learn to change your air filter and cabin air filter. What’s a cabin air filter? Go back to the owner’s manual. Most new cars have so-called cabin air filters or environmental air-filtration elements. They are paper filters that are designed to keep allergens and other airborne particulates from entering the car. Their location, as well as the method of removing them, can vary greatly from car to car, but they are typically easy to replace. Plus, they are often filled with dog hair and bugs, which makes them a perfect part to bring back into the house to show off how you’ve properly serviced the car, and kept your partner healthy.

5. Know when to call in the pros. There is nothing more embarrassing that to get into a project that’s over your head and not be able to admit it. Less is more, and when it comes to the big repair, it’s just as sexy to admit you’re smart enough to know you need professional assistance. Trust me; my accountant has made me look terribly sexy for years.

Gender-Neutral Tools
For those readers champing at the bit to write my editor complaining that this diatribe has been the worst piece of sexist garbage to ever appear in the pages of this fine magazine, simmer down.
    This advice is certainly not exclusively for men. I cannot think of anything more attractive than to be cooking dinner while a beautiful woman is out in the garage checking the tire pressure on my car. I’m serious; I think that sort of thing is hot, and it would go a long way toward creating the perfect romantic evening. Let’s face it, automotive knowledge is just plain attractive, no matter the gender from which the expertise arises.
    It wasn’t until my early 20s that my own automotive knowledge began to surpass my dad’s know-how. But in some ways he was always smarter. Despite the fact that cars haven’t had distributors for years, and electronic ignition has been the standard since the mid-’70s, it was just a few years ago that I queried my dad as to why his tool box still contained a timing light as well as a tach-and-dwell meter, tools that have been virtually obsolete for decades.
    “A man needs the right tool for the right job,” he said. Given that he drove a super-sophisticated 2006 Nissan, I just scratched my head in confusion and let the matter drop.
    My dad died not too long ago. Despite his generous will, I told my sister there were only two things I wanted. The timing light and tach-and-dwell meter look great in the top drawer of my tool box, and I’ve never felt sexier. 

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